roll back the clouds and play doctor

driving to work after what must surely be the single most embarrassing weekend of my life, i watch the sky roll back the clouds-not delicately, but business like in an intimate way. the way my doctor folds back my gown, says "this may be a little cold", tucks a duck shaped metal prod into my world and then proceeds to ask about my day as though we were two people who see each other on the bus every now and then. So i watch the clouds and become a little comforted that at least i am not the only one whose world is taken apart so nonchalantly. And then a voice asks from within my innermost self - "What the fuck is WRONG with you?!!" it screams this as though i am a stupid child, as though i spilled the kool-aid on the fine carpet right in front of it and then denied everything...ah...memories of the weekend. but not really, more like...tiny pinpricks of intuition that save me from the horrors of the truth.because we all know i was there, sure - but truth be told, not really. i mean, self centered and selfish as i am i'd like to think that i am not intentionally mean, that the words that spilled forth like sauerkraut vomit were not my words, that no where in my character does there live a person like the person I walked around as that night. and how was i walking? so much alcohol should really just lay a person flat, sort of iron them out and leave them draped over an arm or tub. the thing that hurts the most, that somehow even hurts worse than the knowledge that i was horrible not by myself but with friends, is the fact that the person who came out was a part of me. she crawled up out of the chained closed box i keep her in and she tore me apart in about the time it takes to watch a good movie. and me, i'm so stupid, i never know when she's working herself free. my favorite author once said that we none of us ever do anything out of character. so, as horrible as i was must be as horrible as i am....and now the clouds are folding themselves back over the sky, they gobble up the sun and they leave me on 405 with an aching case of the shames. i see that for every beauty there is a flip side, and that side is murky, filled with unspeakable things. what i think is this - i'm going to go out and buy myself a brightly colored, burro shaped pinata and beat it to death. i'm going to spank it like a bad bad donkey, and as i eat the candy to sweeten my soul i will thank God that i am not the only ass in this world that is filled with both goodness and badness.