i felt stupid

it was foolish, and i knew it, and the police officer knew it, but i felt stupid anyway. because i've seen worse. the bruises he snapped photos of were not as bad as i've seen, and the story i had to tell was nothing compared to the others, and so i felt stupid. because their sympathy would have been nice when i was smaller, when i was locking children in bathrooms to keep them safe, or mapping out escape routes that would keep them safe not from fire but from beasts who drink and bite, but not now. not now when i am successful, and capable and can change my own tires and pay my own bills. what am i supposed to do with that sympathy now? now it's a joke, but they look at me with sad, wary eyes and across the bad office furniture homedepot reject, they push pamphlets and phone numbers and ask if i'd like a nurse or a counselor and where is my baby, is he safe and now i say "ifeelsostupid" and they think it's because i'm afraid of you, and i am afraid of you but that's not why i feel so stupid, i feel so stupid because i've already been through this blender, i already know better, i already know better i already know better ialreadyknowbetter and when i saw the signs, i didn't see the signs, i just walked back in and let you push the button and blend me up again