the disbelief still comes

even after what must be more than two months, it pours in at the oddest times. i tell myself that loss is normal. everyone loses. and we all win, it's just a matter of timing. you could search the world over and every one you meet would have a story of love gone wrong, gone awry or just gone away...because of this i am reluctant as i write...i know you can tell right off that i am another shakespearean heart mourning the double beat that used to mean there were two in the bed.

but what else is there to do? wake up, breathe, go to work, breathe, go to class, breathe, soon i know there will be more to do than breathe and write, but for now, the breathing hurts and the only way to release some of that hurt is to write. so it comes to you, gentle reader, with no intentions at all.

at first i looked for instructions on how to do this. there are none. there's no manual on dealing with broken hearts. there ought to be, it's an epidemic and there should be some methods for dealing with it. how is it that everyone has one and noone knows how to fix one?

so, i've started my own list of home-style remedies. none of them are a cure, but each of them helps.

1. don't hold your breath. it doesn't help, you won't die and the end result is only a headache.
2. talk to yourself. or a pet, or a friend, or your dashboard. get it out, because it's better to have it out, discuss the chain of events even with yourself than to let them become root bound inside of your head.
3. break something of his, or hers, or both. it feels good. really.
4. if you don't cook, cook something delicious for yourself. if you do cook, go somewhere and let somebody else cook something delicious for you.
5. walk. anywhere.
6. don't call the person who hurt you. write letters or emails, but don't send them. yet.
7. if you run across any mutual acquaintances, smile, be radiant and don't lie about how you are doing.
8. change something. your hair, your radio station, your town - anything.
9. explore your possibilities. remember a dream and research what it would take to make it come true.
10. breathe, sometimes it's all you can do.