a thousand smiles

the wrong side of my bed is against the wall and this is usually an effective method for fighting off the mean reds...waking up to the wrong sounds i fight the wave that keeps trying to sweep me into the rocks. it hits about 1pm...and though small it swirls in my head until i crawl back up to the beach of my soul, grated like cheese and exhausted with fury.

i am on an escalator running the wrong way and when i get one foot off, some rat bastard pulls me back...yeah and you know what? i know that rat bastard may just be my alter ego, so how do you shoot yourself without shooting yourself, huh? but what if that's not it? what if the bastard that pulls me back is not my alter ego? huh? what then? what if the universe that revolves around me gets kicked every once in a while by some mean kid with his nose out of joint and it has nothing to do with me? what if somebody just thinks it's fun that every time i climb two stairs they pull me down five? what if every time i make a choice for the better, mapped out to do some good, trust someone to meet me halfway some slippery banana creeps its way in to trip one of us up? what the fuck is going on here? i feel like a dog on a leash tied to somebody's back bumper. don't get me wrong, victim i am not and there are no tears here. but i am one pissed off monkey and i feel like throwing shit.

what is the purpose here? to teach me a lesson? i'm supposed to walk away from yesterday and today with some knowledge of what to do when the bully of life decides it's your turn? ok, smart ass, here's your lesson for the week:

sometimes there is no reason. sometimes nothing is mapped and no one is pushing you in the mud. sometimes the good choices we make turn out bad and not because God flushes the toilet over your head.

sometimes you have a jonas day for no reason at all and not even pushing your bed up against the wall can stop it.

if you have a thousand smiles you are bound to run into a broken one now and then.