where's a band-aid when you need one?

perhaps the question is ~ where will i find someone who made me actually laugh like you did? not that polite "ah you must be funny so watch me laugh" type of laugh, but the real kind, the kind that surprised me into a guffaw that always sounded (to me) like some sort of choking zebra. for that matter, where will i find someone who i can make laugh in that same "hold the phone piss your pants, can't see straight" way you used to laugh with me? this is a very real concern these days. i miss galloping through the night with my love, nothing but laughter warming our naked bodies ... i miss seeing forever when you looked at me.. i even miss those circles you drew relentlessly on my knee as we drove...never thought i would, but then, after we began to heal together, i never thought a time would come when i'd ever have to miss anything about you. ...

i know i hurt us when i behaved the way i did sometimes. i knew it every day and i felt it when you picked those scabs till we both bled...i asked you not to crucify me over and over the way you did, but not because i didn't feel remorse. i asked because everyday i killed myself for the way i know i hurt you and the shame was choking who i was. i asked because for me to leave it behind like a carcass in the road and continue on towards the better person i know i can be, i needed you to drop the leash too.