giving in

i sat on the bed in your hotel room, green haze and magic brownies, strange tv and somewhere garrett laughing...i don't remember the jokes, but i remember us laughing, i remember the conversation, the hope of your smile, the way i liked right off the bat how your eyes crinkled at the outside edges when you bellowed how funny we were

i remember finding you in the crowd, perhaps you found me, and the gentlest first kiss... a new years kiss... my first one ever, and how at that moment i wished that you would love me, that i would be your girl...and how i felt with my whole self for that moment that i would love you forever...

watching you from the corner of my eyes, trying to be smooth - i mean me, i was trying to be smooth, trying not to let on how much i wanted to be near you, hear your voice, hear you speak my name, touch my hand, sing with me... i buried myself in beer and was overjoyed when your secret spilled onto the napkin on my table...

she in the other room, with you, yelling...my knees drawn up to my chin on the bed in your bed in your pajamas, in your bedroom, knowing that although we had done nothing wrong, we had somehow done things wrong and hurt someone you cared for, but also being so happy to be with you that she wasn't relevant... not yet, not until years later when i understood her so much better...

you in the mirror, biting your lip while you played with your hair and toyed with the idea of a shower before we left, later watching you sway to our favorite songs, there were so many, and i was so proud always to walk in on your arm, to have the freedom and be so blessed as to be yours, i whispered it to myself for years...that i was yours...even later, after the mess and my impending doom i whispered it to myself, that i had had the freedom and been so blessed as to be yours...

i can't get away. it hurts and it kills every day that i am still yours and you are not here, but i can't get away and after three years, now i don't even try to hide it any more...