i don't know what you know, but i want you to know that i know you don't know what i know...

as many things do, it comes to me as i drive. this whole time i somehow have been waiting for you to turn around, find me in a different place than you left me and realize that like your keys, you need me. because your lock has no other fit, and although you can pry it open there is no sound like the click of two halves that get past the resistance from the mechanisms holding them together and become whole to open the door together. ... driving i wonder, was i wrong? i know that there is a very real possibility that i have been wrong this whole time, and that the only reason we fit so well together is either a) one of us is a thief and good at picking locks b) one of us is so afraid of alone that there is no resistance or c) all of the above. part of me wonders if these doubts are a sign ... like if i didn't have these thoughts it would mean that i am right and you are wrong. which creates the new idea of why does there have to be a right and wrong? maybe there's just a whole tangle of choices and no manual. maybe because there's a whole tangle of choices and no manual sometimes you end up with a shelf instead of a bicycle, but that doesn't mean that one is better than the other does it? nothing is cement, not even asphalt is permanent. Mother Nature fucks up our "permanent" structures all the time so perhaps these doubts are natural. they come from rejection i suppose. funny how all the self confidence in the world can't save you from the bat of rejection when it comes swinging towards your head at 90 miles an hour. the bat comes fast, and if you are like me and blinded by a goal you cannot reach, not your dream, just a goal that someone keeps moving, it comes too fast and silent, and hurts like a bastard because it doesn't kill you. but shaking my head i know the truth, and i believe you still do too. you and i are not only lock or key. it's a nice metaphor and was comforting when it came, but it has nothing to do with the reasons you had when you left. this is so hard, the seeds of doubt you plant as you try your hardest to be someone else, as you try on girl after girl like new faces, never telling them who you are, showing them the shiny side and not willing to take the chance that they might love the other side too, tarnish and all. and now i don't blink when your name is mentioned ~ it doesn't mean that i no longer love you, it just means that i am myself again. the person i was when i met you is back, version 5.0, the upgrade with the kick ass speakers, and more memory than ever before....

this is for you. because i want you to know that you are not fooling at least one person. and because i want you to know that noone else holds the bat that hurts us except for ourselves. sometimes we knock ourselves out so that we can wake up and be redeemed.