this should have been here

i meant to
start a new blog in secret. you know, so that i would have a place to put these things...so that i could save this new journey for posterity's sake. .... wait. ... scratch that. i don't even know what "posterity" means. but something in me has things to say, and wants somehow those things to be saved, to be placed somewhere eternal...and books...they burn so easily, they drown so quickly in landfills or basement floods. ...the thing is, sitting here - i feel a certain peace... a little bit of heaven is this... ( giggle to self)... you see, i freaked out. Realized some things about the past two years, suddenly found myself falling in love with ... a memory.... and, me? aren't i a fighter for love? don't i believe that you should always leave when you are unhappy, you should stand on the doorstep of the person you need and proclaim your love no matter how doomed or wonderful or who you kill to get there. Why, just step over those corpses, and throw your self upon the mercy of the one person you know you love more than anything and damn the resonance cannons....full speed ahead...because coming home now is never as fun as it was to come home then, waking up with a smile is now hard to do, and "life seems nothing more than a quick succession of busy nothings"....and at the bottom of all of this, man, i just miss my friend. i do. i miss knowing my teammate understood that sometimes i talk some shit. i miss knowing that sometimes he got a little lost in thought. i miss pickle ball. i miss movies we both loved...i miss someone who sang along and danced along and got drunk from tea and didn't mind that i snore a little (or a lot)....damn it, i miss the politeness, the kind words because we both felt that when you love someone you are kind.but isn't that the way it goes? when things you didn't know were wrong reveal themselves too late...and you find that what you thought was a day at the beach turns out to be a hole you dug....and what's this? the walls are pretty high, and it's going to take some time because believe it or not, you DO have to dig your self out...it takes a kick in the ass to wake you up sometimes...because there are mistakes being made here and mostly by me...